Buzzing Around - Computereez                          

"An Owed Two the Spelling Chequer"

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my Pea Sea
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye dew knot sea.

A chequer is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Eye strike a key and type a word,
And weight four it two say,
Weather eye am wrong oar write,
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,
It nose bee fore two long,
And eye kin putt the error rite,
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule,
The chequer poured o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Be fore a veiling chequers
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
Wee wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of non eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft ware four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting won too pleas.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Ewe shore reel bee glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.*

* The only word that failed was "chequer."

"FARMputer Talk"

LOG ON:  ..............Makin' a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF:  .............Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR:  .............Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD:  ............Gettin' the farwood off the truk.
MEGA HERTZ:  ..........Win yer not keerful gettin' the farwood.

FLOPPY DISC:  .........Whatcha git frum tryin' ti
                       keery too much farwood.
RAM:  .................That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE:  ..........Gettin' home in the winter time.
PROMPT:  ..............Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS:  .............Whut to shut when it be cold outside.

SCREEN:  ..............Whut to shut when it be blak fly season.
BYTE:  ................Whut dem flys do.
CHIP:  ................Munchies fer watchin TV.
MICRO CHIP:  ..........Whut's in the munchie bag.
MODEM:  ...............Whatcha did to the hay fields.

DOT MATRIX:  ..........Ol' Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP:  .............Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD:  ............Whar ya hang the keys.
SOFTWARE:  ............Dem plastic farks an'knifs.
MOUSE:  ...............Whut eats the grain in the barn.

MAIN FRAME: ...........Whut holds up the barn ruf.
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:..When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid
                       fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
MOUSE PAD:  ...........That there hippie talk fer the rat hole.

"Virus Alert: Mother of All Viruses"

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone Auto Dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

It will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.

"How Things Would Be Different If Microsoft Were Located In Georgia!"

1. Their No. 1 product would be "Microsoft Winders".
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle.
3. Occasionally, you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape.
4. Instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel", dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Aww-right", "Naw", or "Git".
5. Instead of "Ta-Dah!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos".
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player, you'd hear "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders95 theme song would be "Boot Scootin' Boogie".
9. Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
11. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
12. Daisy Duke screen saver.
13. "Well, the first thing you know old Bill's a billionaire..."
14. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
15. Microsoft CEO "Billy-Bob" (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
16. "ParPawnt" would have a "Pond Scum" and a "Junk Yard" presentation template.
17. One wrong turn while surfing the web would send you face to face with a 12 gauge shotgun.
18. "This computer protected by Smith and Wesson screen saver.
19. Directions to Corporate Headquarters - "Down the road a block or so".
20. Microsoft Word includes a phonetic spell checker-"Hookt on fonics werkt 4 me".

PC Haiku I

            A file that big?
            It might be very useful.
            But now it is gone.

            - - - - - - - - - - - -

            The Web site you seek
            cannot be located but
            endless others exist

            - - - - - - - - - - - -

            Chaos reigns within.
            Reflect, repent, and reboot.
            Order shall return.

            - - - - - - - - - - - -

            ABORTED effort:
            Close all that you have.
            You ask way too much.

            - - - - - - - - - - - -

            First snow, then silence.
            This thousand dollar screen dies
            so beautifully.

            - - - - - - - - - - - -

            With searching comes loss
            and the presence of absence:
            "My Novel" not found.

            - - - - - - - - - - - -

            The Tao that is seen
            Is not the true Tao, until
            You bring fresh toner.

            - - - - - - - - - - - -

            Windows NT crashed.
            I am the Blue Screen of Death.
            No one hears your screams.

            - - - - - - - - - - - -

            Stay the patient course
            Of little worth is your ire
            The network is down

            - - - - - - - - - - - -

            A crash reduces
            your expensive computer
            to a simple stone.

Disk Care

1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing diskettes, make sure application is even. This will allow the diskettes to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit in the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
4. Never insert a disk into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the Xerox machine. If your data needs to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes together into the drive whenever you update a document; the data will be recorded on both diskettes.
6. Diskettes should not be inserted into or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light continues to flash in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you, you will probably need to insert several dollars before being allowed to access the disk drive.
7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data ("data compression") enough to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data.

Windows Messages to Come

1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off."
11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20. User Error: Replace user.
21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Haiku II

                Server's poor response
                Not quick enough for browser.
                Timed out, plum blossom.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

                No keyboard present
                Hit F1 to continue
                Zen engineering?

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

                To have no errors
                Would be life without meaning
                No struggle, no joy.

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

           Yesterday it worked
           Today it is not working
           Windows is like that

           - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

           You step in the stream,
           But the water has moved on.
           This page is not here.

           - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

           Out of memory.
           We wish to hold the whole sky,
           But we never will.

           - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

           Having been erased,
           The document you're seeking
           Must now be retyped.

           - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

           Rather than a beep
           Or a rude error message,
           These words: "File not found."

                - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


           Having been erased,
           The document you're seeking
           Must now be retyped.

           - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

           Rather than a beep
           Or a rude error message,
           These words: "File not found."

           - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

           Three things are certain:
           Death, taxes, and lost data.
           Guess which has occurred.

           - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

           Serious error.
           All shortcuts have disappeared.
           Screen. Mind. Both are blank.