Buzzing Around - Daffynitions

Daffynitions I: Vocabulary Lesson

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your
toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at
least a dozen times, reaching  over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on
it, assuming this will somehow `remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n.
The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

5. FRUST (frust) n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the
dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally
decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n.
Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one
has to resort to the `illegal'  side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking
around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n.
The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were
calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n.
The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses
its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick
it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Daffynitions II: Word Power - New Words for the Week

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.)
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through
a spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.)
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the
morning and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.)
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from
penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.)
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent
for an indefinite period.

5) Caterpallor (n.)
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

6) Decaflon (n.)
The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that
are good for you.

7) Dopelar effect (n.)
The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them
rapidly.

8) Extraterrestaurant (n.)
An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented
upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

9) Faunacated (adj.)
How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed.
Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

10) Foreploy (n.)
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.

11) Grantartica (n.)
The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

12) Hemaglobe (n.)
The bloody state of the world.

13) Intaxication (n.)
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was
your money to start with.

14) Kinstirpation (n.)
A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

15) Lullabuoy (n.)
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting
off to sleep.

Daffynitions III: Medical Terms Redefined

Benign................What you be after you be eight.

Artery................The study of paintings.

Bacteria..............Back door to cafeteria.

Barium................What doctors do when patients die.

Cesarean Section......A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan...............Searching for kitty.

Cauterize.............Made eye contact with her.

Colic.................A sheep dog.

Coma..................A punctuation mark.

D & C.................Where Washington is.

Dilate................To live long.

Enema.................Not a friend.

Fester................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula................A small lie.

Genital...............Non-Jewish person.

G.I. Series...........World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail..............What you hang your coat on.

Impotent..............Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain............Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.

Morbid................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates..............Cheaper than day rates.

Node..................Was aware of

Outpatient.... .......A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear..... .......A fatherhood test.

Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative........A letter carrier.

Recovery Room.........Place to do upholstery.

Rectum................Darn near killed him.

Secretion.............Hiding something.

Seizure...............Roman emperor.

Tablet................A small table.

Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the Bus
                       Station

Tumor.................More than one.

Urine.................Opposite of you're out.

Varicose..............Near by/close by.

Vein..................Conceited.

Daffynitions IV: Redefinition

Antacid: Uncle Acid's wife.

Antelope: How she married my Uncle.

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney: Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.

Bottom: What the shopper did when she found the shoes that she wanted.

Bucktooth: The going rate for the tooth fairy.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Cantaloupe: When you are unable to run away to get married.

Cartoonist: What you call your auto mechanic.

Castanets: What they did to fill the role of Frankie Avalon's movie
girlfriend.

Celtics: What a parasite salesman does.

Concert: A breath mint for inmates.

Consist: A growth on an inmate.

Content: A fabric shelter for inmates.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Convent: How inmates get air conditioning.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Crestfallen: Dropped toothpaste.

Cross-eyed Teacher: A teacher that looses control over his or her pupils.

Decrease: De fold in de pants.

Demote: What de king put around de castle.

Despise: De persons who work for the CIA.

Detention: What causes de stress.

Dictator: Another name for Richard Spud.

Dilate: When a person lives longer.

Dioxin: What you say before you kill a herd of buffalo-like cattle.

Dreadlocks: the fear of opening the dead-bolt.

Daffynitionz V: HICKphonics

2. HIRE YEW :  complete sentence, remainder of greeting.
        Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"

3. BARD - verb:  past tense of borrow.
        Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

4. JAWJUH - noun:  a state just north of Florida; capital is Lanna.
        Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

5. BAMMER - noun:  state just west of Jawjuh.
        Usage: "A tornader went through Bammer 'n' left
                $20 million in improvements."

6. MUNTS - noun:  a calendar division.
        Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck
                and I ain't herd from him in munts."

7. THANK - verb:  ability to cognitively process.
        Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

8. BARE - noun:  an alcoholic beverage.
        Usage: see above.

9. IGNERT - adjective:  not smart.
        Usage: "Some of those Bammer boys sure are ignert."

10. ALL - noun:  a petroleum-based product.
        Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in
                my pickup truck."

11. FAR - noun:  a conflagration.
        Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all
                in the pickup truck he bard, that thangs gonna
                catch far."

12. TAR - noun;  a rubber wheel.
        Usage: "I hope my brother from Jawjuh don't git a flat
                tar in my pickup truck."

13. TARRED - adverb;  exhausted.
        Usage: "I just flew in from Lanna, and boy are my arms tarred."

14. FARN - adjective;  not from here.
        Usage: I can't unnerstant a wurd he sed.  He must be
                from sum farn cuntry."

15. DID - adjective:  not alive.
        Usage: "He ain't breathin'.  Must be did."

16. EAR - noun:  a colorless gas (except in LA).
        Usage: "I'm gonna go outside for sum fresh ear."

17. BOB WAR - noun:  a sharp twisted cable.
        Usage: "Stay away from that barb war fence."

18. JEW HERE - noun and adverb contraction.
        Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got
                a job with that bob war fence company?"

19. WEBAR - noun:  a single wheeled vehicle for transporting loads.
        Usage: "Ran over some bob war...webars got a did tar."

20. HAZE - a contraction.
        Usage: "Is Bubba smart?  Nah, haze ignert."

21. SEED - verb:  past tense of "see."

22. VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
        Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City...view?

23. GUMMIT - noun:  a bureaucratic state or federal institution.
        Usage: "Them gummit boys sure are ignert."

24. RANCH - noun:  a tool used for tightnin' bolts.
        Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of my pickup truck
                that my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."