Buzzing Around - Punz
"A pun is the lowest form of humor
when you do not
think of it first."
- Oscar Levant
"Puns are little plays on words that
a certain breed of person loves to
spring on you and then look at you
in a certain self-satisfied way to
indicate that he thinks that you
must think that he is by far the
cleverest person on Earth now that
Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
fact what you are thinking is that
if this person ever ends up in a
lifeboat, the other passengers will
hurl him overboard by the end of the
first day even if they have plenty
of food and water."
- Dave Barry (Why Humor is Funny)
"Hanging is too good for a man who
makes puns;
he should be drawn and quoted."
- Fred Allen (Sarcasm Is the Sour Cream of Wit)
# A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows
that readers digest and writers cramp.
# There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent
in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
# A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself
to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she
wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are
twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
# Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft it sank.
Which proves once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
# Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields
and never amounted to much.
The second one, naturally, became
known as the lesser of two weevils.
# A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles
up to the bar and announces:
"I'm looking for the man who shot
my paw."
# A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you,
no charge."
# Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.
One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are
you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
# Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during root canal work?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
# A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't
stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
# A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always
have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end
of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he
was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri
made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his
regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut
daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender,
"it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
# A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee;
then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple.
You're two tents."
# On a certain small island in the South Pacific, the one who has the
throne in his possession is King. So, the King takes the throne home with
him each night. His grass hut has a tree growing up through the center.
Each night he puts the throne on top of the tree, so no one can steal it.
One night, there's a terrible storm and the throne is sent crashing through
the hut, killing the King.
Which just shows that people
who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
# Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they
would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They
ignored her, too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't
close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.
Thereby proving - Hugh, and only
Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
# Not too long ago a scientist tried to clone himself. However, his
clone was very obnoxious and lewd, wheras the scientist was well received
and respected. Finally fed up with his experiment gone wrong, he threw
his clone off the roof of the laboratory; killing the clone.
He was arrested by the local
police for... making an obscene clone fall.
# Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his
feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person.
Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became
quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very
bad breath.
Therefore, he became known as a "Super
callused fragile mytstic plagued with halitosis."
