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The English Language I
"In Celebration of the Complexities of the English Language"
This has been on the web in several permutations, only once seen with
attribution. So, here's a thanks we think is due to Kevin Daniels, PhD.,
Procept,Inc., Cambridge, MA.
Lets face it,
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger,
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England;
French fries were not invented in France.
Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads,
Which aren't sweet, are meat.
We sometimes take English for granted,
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing?
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham.
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese?
One index, two indices.
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends,
But not one amend?
That you comb through the annals of history,
But not a single annal?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught?
If you wrote a letter,
Perhaps you bote your tongue.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?
Why do noses run and feet smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
How can overlook and oversee be opposites,
While quite a lot and quite a few are alike?
Have you noticed that we talk about
Certain things only when they are absent?
Have you ever seen a horseful carriage
Or a strapful gown?
Have you met a sung hero
Or experienced requited love?
Have you every run into someone who was
Combobulated, gruntled, ruly, or peccable?
And where are all those people
Who ARE spring chickens
Or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down,
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
Sometimes I think all the English speakers
Should be committed to an
Asylum for the verbally insane.
English was invented by people, not computers,
And it reflects the creativity of the human race;
Which of course isn't a race at all.
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible,
But when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts,
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.
Mangled Syntax I: Classified Ads
The following are actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers.
An economy of words from an air-head can create unintended humor! How lucky
for those who spot these gems!
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery.
Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child.
Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory.
Must be willing to travel.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school.
Experience preferred.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with
round bottom for efficient beating.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head
illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Dinner Special-Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25;
Children $2.00
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with
thick legs and large drawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced
and get an extra pair to take home, too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery.
We do it carefully by hand.
For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
Great Dames for sale.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family
appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated.
Come here first.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the
hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not
smoke or drink.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Wanted. Widower with school age children requires
person to assume general housekeeping duties.
Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size,
unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension
in your home for $1.00.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Politically Correct Alphabet
A is an activist itching to fight.
B is a beast with its animal rights.
C was a cripple (now differently-abled).
D is a Drunk who is "liquor-enabled."
E is an Ecologist who saves spotted owls.
F was a Forrester, now staffing McDonald's.
G is a Glutton who says he's "food-centered."
H is a Hermaphrodite skirting problems of gender.
I is an "Ism" (you'd better believe it).
J is a Jingoist - love it or leave it!
K is a Kettle the pot can't call black.
L is a Lifestyle not bound to the pack.
M is a Mindset with bias galore.
N was a Negro, but not anymore.
O is an Oppressor, devoid of self-love.
P is the Patriarchy (see "O" above).
Q is a Quip that costs someone a job.
R is the Reasoning done by a mob.
S is a Sexist, that slobbering menace.
T is a Teapot that's brewing a tempest.
U is for Umbrage at the slightest transgression.
V is a Valentine, tool of oppression.
W is for "Woman," however it's spelled.
X is a chromosome we share in our cells.
Y is a Yogi for the easily led.
Z is a Zombie, the differently-dead.
The English Language II
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs?
Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts,"
and you put your two cents in, what happens to the
other pennies?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible,
does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles,"
why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed?
Mangled Syntax II
Two Current Television Commercials
Do writer's ears perk up more than those of non-writers when these mis-saying
assault us?
1. Campbell's Tomato Soup:
A mother is about to make a frozen pizza when her
little boy shows her a picture he drew. Awwww.
She tells him she's going to make him something special,
not something from the freezer.
(Frame: she makes tomato soup.)
Instead of something from the freezer,
something from a CAN!
2. Some kind of corn pads:
The ad opens with the statement,
"We're still using the same corn pads grandmother used."
Must be getting sorta worn-out and old my now,
and maybe smelly?!
The English Language III: Stephen Wright-isms
These have been passed-off as Stephen Wright-isms; whether they are
or not, is always iffy off the web; they certainly sound like his deadpan
insightful wit. If they are: thanks S. W.
What's another word for synonym?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
Why is it that when you transport something by car,
it's called a shipment, but when you transport
something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called
a green, or a lemon called a yellow?
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Mangled Syntax III: Church Bulletins
Sub-title: Why You Must Proofread. Here are some problem sentences found
in church bulletins. Typos and lack of proper sentence formatting can be
somewhat misleading - and give grammarians a chuckle.
Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.
Thursday night - potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of
David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the
church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk will please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing
"Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday at 5pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his
private study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
an egg on the altar.
The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water". One of the ladies
will start (quietly) and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the
new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come
forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church basement Friday.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing
for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
How Language Happens
Subject: Probability Theory
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of
highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great
literary works in Braille.
Subject: Symbolic Logic
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no
alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas
at a faster rate.
Subject: Linguistics
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If
omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks
his cah," the lost R's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his
car and invest in "erl" wells.
Mangled Syntax IV
These are real newspaper headlines.
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
- British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
- Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
- Air Head Fired
- Steals Clock, Faces Time
- Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
- Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
- Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
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